The Boundary, the Book, and Why I’m Not Dating Right Now

There’s something about a woman saying “I’m not dating right now” that seems to make some men uncomfortable.

Not because it’s rude. Not because it’s hostile. But because they don’t know how to engage with a woman who isn’t actively seeking their attention. They seem confused about how to add value when you ask them to simply just be a good friend.

Why I Stepped Back from Dating (For Now)

This isn’t about rejecting love. It’s about choosing peace.

Here’s what I’ve been clear on lately:

🌿 I wanted more freedom to focus on the things that truly matter to me. Not juggling someone else’s expectations while trying to stay connected to my own purpose.

🌿 I didn’t want to keep compromising just to seem “pleasant.” Sometimes relationships ask women to soften so much that we dissolve. I’m not doing that anymore.

🌿 I got tired of being expected to be someone’s “peace” when they hadn’t even made peace with themselves. That’s not partnership. That’s performance.

🌿 I needed room to hear myself clearly again. And I couldn’t do that while constantly checking in on whether someone else felt affirmed, validated, or “enough.”

The decision to pause dating wasn’t rooted in fear or frustration—it was clarity. And clarity isn’t cold. It’s clean. But most of all, it's easy.

I’ve found myself in a season of quiet focus. A time where I’m building, creating, and re-centering—not necessarily avoiding love, but not prioritizing it either.

And the more peace I’ve found in that space, the more resistance I’ve noticed from men who seem to think a woman’s energy only holds value when it’s directed at them.

And let’s not forget the women who give you those soft, sympathetic eyes when you say you’re single and not looking—like you’ve been so battered by love that you’ve just given up.

SHEESH.

But that’s another subject for another day. Today is about the men.

The response I’ve gotten from so many men—mainly the “ideal” types: sexy, successful, and swagnificent (I know, that last one is corny, but the alliteration was too tempting)—made me pause and reflect. And then, I asked the bigger question:

What do men actually want from a woman who already has herself?

Can they still connect with softness when there’s no space for saving?Can they respect a boundary that isn’t about them—but about the woman’s own expansion?

That question has been living in me lately… and also showing up in my writing.

A Few Things I’m Learning (and Unlearning) in This Season:

💭 Not dating isn’t a punishment. It’s not something to explain, defend, or make palatable. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do—for yourself and others—is pause.

💭 Boundaries will reveal more than bad behavior. They’ll also expose emotional immaturity, entitlement, and performative interest. Let them.

💭 A sovereign woman doesn’t punish or prove. She simply observes. And when something doesn’t feel safe, soft, or spiritually aligned—she steps back without a performance.

💭 Every “no” you hold in place creates space for something that actually fits. Romance. Friendship. Purpose. Peace. It’s not about lack. It’s about resonance.

A Book About Love… and Power

In the novel I’m currently working on, Neveah is a woman who is clear. Whole. Focused. She’s a mother. A truth-teller. A leader. She’s not waiting for love—but she’s not closed off to it either.

Then comes Nasir.

Complicated. Intense. Drawn to her, yet unprepared for the kind of woman who doesn’t shrink for anyone.

In a pivotal moment, Nasir says something to Neveah that—had she been less grounded—might’ve crushed her.

But Neveah doesn’t internalize his words. Instead, she starts questioning whether men like him are worth the energy of falling in love at all.

Because why does it seem like some men only feel powerful when a woman is beneath them?

🎥 Watch the Conversation

I break all of this down in my latest YouTube video, where I share more about this writing challenge, my real-life reflections, and how it’s all connected:

👉🏽 Watch it here:Why Men Struggle With Women Who Don’t Need Them—And Why My Character Just Failed That Test

Whether you’re a reader, writer, or a woman just trying to stay rooted in your truth, I hope this conversation reminds you:

Boundaries don’t make you less loving. They make you more intentional.

And love, when it’s right, will never require you to trade clarity for connection.

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