Why ‘Top Tier’ Doesn’t Mean Tall, Dark, and Loaded: What Black Women Really Want in a Man
- Porscha Sterling
- Nov 8, 2024
- 4 min read
We’ve all heard it by now—the guy who claims he’s “top tier” just because he’s over six feet, makes six figures, and has that boss-like confidence. Recently, on Tonight’s Conversation, one of these men was saying that height, money, and swagger make him the catch of the century. According to him, most women only care about what a man can do for her, as if that’s all we’re looking for in 2024.
Let me be real with anyone who thinks that is true. That tall, dark, and rich stereotype? It’s cute and all, but it’s not what every Black woman is out here looking for.
Conscious Dating is the New Wave
More and more Black women are out here looking for something deeper—a conscious connection. We’ve done enough settling for surface-level “pros” and are tired of men who think that their wallet alone is enough to be a good partner. These days, we’re focused on stability, but not just financially. Emotional stability, accountability, and genuine interest in personal growth? Now that’s what makes a man “top tier.”
Don’t get me wrong. Having a man who’s financially secure is important—especially when you’re building a future. But what many men don’t understand is that, for us, financial security alone isn’t enough. We’re looking for someone who actually shows up in the relationship. We want the man who listens, the man who communicates, and, yes, the man who knows how to hold space for us emotionally.
Stability Means More Than Just Money
Let’s talk about stability, because it’s one of those words that gets thrown around but isn’t always understood. Sure, we want a man who’s stable in his career, but we also want him to be stable in his heart and his mind. What’s the point of being with a man who’s got money but has zero accountability? If he’s out here acting like a Future when we need a Damson Idris—a man who’s got the charm but isn’t playing games—then we’re not interested.
Stability is about having a man who doesn’t ghost when things get real, who supports you when you’re down, and who values building a relationship that feels like home, not a transaction. If he can’t be consistent in his actions and words, his income bracket doesn’t mean a thing.
“Top Tier” Isn’t Just About a Man’s Looks or His Wallet
Now, let’s address that “top tier” appearance. I promise you, a man’s physical looks aren’t everything. Sure, he might look good on the ’Gram, but does he bring peace into your life? Does he know how to communicate, or is he quick to catch an attitude when things don’t go his way? We’re redefining “sexy” in our community—it’s not just about his build or his drip, but his energy. If he’s humble, emotionally present, and treats you with respect, that’s where true attraction lies.
The Real “Top Tier” Man
Ladies, the real top-tier man isn’t just the one who has it all on paper. He’s the man who’s willing to do the work on himself, who can grow alongside you. He’s not just “providing” financially but emotionally, too. A real top-tier man supports your dreams, respects your individuality, and is secure enough in himself to cheer you on.
But Sis, Let’s Be Real…
Now, I hate to admit it, but some of these men might have a point. We’ve got to face a truth that’s hard to swallow: A lot of us have gotten so used to being in our hyper-independent, “I got this” mode that we don’t know how to let someone in to genuinely support us. We hold it down, hustle hard, and wear that Superwoman cape like it’s stitched to our skin. But here’s the thing—true partnership means knowing when to be strong and when to be soft. If we’re always in “survival” mode, how can we expect a man to step up and be his best self if he feels like there’s no room for him?
The men who really want to show up—the emotionally secure ones who want to pour into us—are telling us they feel unappreciated. They get tired of stepping up when they feel like they’re constantly proving themselves without any return. They want love and respect, too. And yes, they need to feel that their efforts are recognized. No man wants to feel like a provider but nothing more. If he’s giving his all, he wants to feel that appreciation reflected back in love, respect, and support.
How to Put Down the Superwoman Cape
Sis, I know it’s hard, but it’s time to put down that cape—not to be weak, but to be wise. Being “soft” doesn’t mean being submissive. It means allowing yourself to trust, to feel safe, to let go of that constant need to control everything.
Being also cursed with this need to feel like I'm always in control, I will be the first to admit that it’s not an easy thing to do. So, let me help you.
Here are a few ways to start letting go enough to leave space for a top tier partner to be what you want and need:
1. Practice Vulnerability: Let him see you beyond the “strong Black woman” facade. Share your dreams, fears, and the things you truly desire in life.
2. Allow Support: Let him handle some things—whether it’s planning a date or helping you with something practical. It’s okay to let someone else take the wheel now and then.
3. Balance Strength with Gentleness: Recognize that being strong doesn’t mean you have to be hard. You can be strong in your values, your love, and your goals, while still being soft in how you connect and show care.
4. Acknowledge His Efforts: When he shows up, let him know it means something to you. A simple “I appreciate you” goes a long way.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a top-tier man, but real love means meeting each other halfway, allowing both of you to grow, and knowing when to lean on each other. So let’s celebrate the good men who want to step up—and let’s make sure we’re giving them space to be the partners we’re truly searching for.
And if you want to read about a top-tier man... I've got a LOT of books on the subject. Start with any of the ones tagged below.
Some may struggle a bit at first but they find their way... eventually!
Enjoy! 🦋
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