“You made me do it, I saw you staring – are you sleeping with him?”
“Maybe if you had my dinner done right. Go, get some ice!”
One thing I can tell ya is, if he’s hit you once, he WILL do it again. Of course, there will be the apologies, the excuses, and the reasons. You can imagine it right now.
The red haze.
He didn’t know any better.
You “made” him do it, but he “forgives” you.
Please.
And of course you may be thinking:
“Maybe if we just bring God in…?” NO!
Maybe if I stop hanging with…? NO!
Maybe if I stop wearing…? NO!
Stop the madness! You don’t need to stay in an abusive relationship.
Rihanna’s battered face after Chris Brown thumped her.
Allegations about Tamar and Vince have been swirling around for a minute now, honey.
And eeeeek, cover my ears! Nas and Kelis – say it ain’t so!
There’s also a disproportionate number of black women staying in these abusive relationships compared with any other race. We’re gonna dive deep into the top 3 reasons why women stay and why, in particular, black women do (Yep, we’re not gonna sugarcoat anything here!).
Top 3 reasons women put up with domestic abuse:
Fear
For some women, you don’t want to be alone, and you don’t know if you’ll ever find someone else again. You’re scared of ending up being a 61-year-old virgin like LeToya Jackson.
You don’t know how you’ll survive because he handles all of the finances. What if you try to leave and he kills you?
Charm
Sometimes you catch yourself remembering what it was like at the start. He’ll say or do something that’ll make it seem ‘not all that bad’ anymore. You think, ‘maybe I’m blowing this out of proportion?’
Children
That scene in Tyler Perry’s ‘For Colored Girls’ will forever be etched into my mind.
What if he stops you from seeing your kids or worse, if he takes it out on them?
Now, top 3 reasons black women stay in abusive relationships:
Racism or Sexism – What’cha gon’ choose?
Within your own relationship, you’re choosing between protecting yourself as a woman or supporting your man who’s being beat down by the system. Look alive sista!
You’re getting beat down too. Get gone!
Our Communities
Heaven forbid this gets out! “Why’re you trying to make him look bad in front of white people?” Forget them.
You Feel Like It’s Your Only Option
Hello, call the police!
But, how do we do that if we don’t trust them? Getting arrested for staying in your own Air BnB. And, what consequences will you face when he finds out you called for help…
Domestic abuse themes are prevalent in our novels because they’re awfully just as prevalent in our own lives. And, let’s not get it twisted, a lot of men suffer from abuse at the hands of women. And, for a black man? Well, that’s a whole other article.
How many times have we read these lines in urban romance books?
Countless.
They’re followed up by a real good hot and heavy sex scene (ooo-la-la!)
But, wait.
Did the couple use protection?
Did either party mention using protection? (Don’t just leave it to the fellas, ladies).
Did you even stop reading and notice?
Now, now, I’m not judging you because, I’m also guilty of forgetting to include condoms from time-to-time when writing an explicit scene.
We’ve all had those WOW moments which have led us to tumbling into the bedroom without common sense and a condom. They go a little like this.
This brother at the bar is looking kinda fine
He’s coming over
So, we’ve had a couple of drinks and my panties are already melting
And, now we’re making out at the bar
And, we’re making out in his car
Oh, now we’ve made it into his room
Ooh, I like that!
Oooh crap, what just happened?!
It happens. However, this proportionately occurs more in urban romance books than our phenomenal every day lives. Do you think it’s time for contraception to be included in our urban romances?
I know. I know. Some of us were really looking forward to the unprotected sex scenes and the inevitable “it just happened” the next morning. Especially, when a surprise baby mama shows up later in the book and things really start getting interesting. But, unprotected sex typically has lots of consequences in our urban romances – even DEATH (dum-dum-dum!)
There are many consequences for unprotected sex. Here are 3 main ones:
STIs
You can’t tell if someone has an STI by how they look or act (or, even say). There are a lot of STIs, like HIV, which can’t be treated by antibiotics. There are even some that have NO symptoms – including chlamydia!
2. Pregnancy
Having a baby is a serious responsibility and will change your whole world. Some of us may be in school, busy at work or planning to travel the world. Then, poof! 2 pink lines change your life foreva!
Do you really want that guy at the bar to be the father of your child and tied to you for the next 18 years?
3. Self-care
If YOU want your partner to wear a condom during sex then, should he respect you and your wishes? How would you feel if he refuses?
Let’s get more real.
There are some young women who grow up in homes where sex isn’t discussed. Some of our parents tried (and failed) to give us “the talk”. And, most young women get their misinformation from friends in school, social media and – yes, you’ve got it – urban romance novels.
All readers are clearly responsible for their own actions. Urban romance novels are just that – novels! They’re made for light reading, late nights with a glass of wine, and girl chat sessions with your besties.
Yet, we live in a society where young women are getting illegal butt injections because of IG posts. Where young women are starting fights in school as if training for a spot on Love and Hip Hop. Do you think they may be using these novels for sex education?
I hope not, but I’m not sure.
So, should safe sex feature more in our urban romance novels? I know one reader had a lot to say about it, read about that in my post: [Opinion] Urban Fiction Genre – A Reply to a Reader. But I want to know what you think!
Let me know in the comments, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
The cutting remarks, “helpful” suggestions and subtle (or not-so-subtle) jabs have all taken their toll.
But, there are other reasons why women cheat with their best friend’s husband (hold on tight while we take a stroll down CRAZY-AS-ALL-GET-OUT lane):
The husband is easily available
You don’t even have to try to get him. Whenever you’re over at the house he uses any excuse to touch you when she’s not looking. Why hunt for a man when there’s one right on your doorstep?
You know for a fact that she’s cheated on him multiple times before. Paired with the fact that you can’t stand how she treats you anymore – why not help him cheat?
You should never have given him away
You met him first and thought that he would be perfect for your bestie – not realising you still had feelings for him! You’re just taking what’s rightfully yours.
So, let’s shake the crazy out and common sense into women who think it’s okay to cheat with their best friend’s man (even if she is a nasty piece of work!):
How you get them is how you lose them
If you’re planning to keep your best friend’s husband (provided he even divorces her), what’s to stop him from doing the same thing to you?
You will never be a priority
He slides you in whenever it is convenient for him. More importantly, when he and your gal pal aren’t gettin’ it on. Are sloppy seconds that attractive?
Honor is the currency of elevation
That’s right – a lesson to be remembered from Pastor John Gray. Let it sink in. How are you honoring yourself in this ‘entanglement’ and where do you want to go in life?
So is it ever right to cheat with your best friend’s man?
“Damn, dropping your panties on the first date? What a whore!”
“Got your legs open like a 7-11…24 hours a day!”
Ouch.
This type of slut shaming is very common nowadays.
Remember seeing Amber Rose crying at a slut walk? She broke down hearing Wiz Khalifa’s lyric “I fell in love with a stripper, and fell out of love quicker”.
Or, how about seeing a sexy picture of Blac Chyna (and that IG video! Wink, wink)? Hearing judgment rain down on her from men and women ALL OVER Twitter, whilst the video was leaked without her consent!
And, at the same time, Donna from Black Ink Crew is filmed dippin’ and doin’ it in a bathroom at a local restaurant. People chanted “Ho! Ho! Ho!” so loud, my ears were ringing.
Well, this will be about intimacy on a whole other level. For the first time in history, women are dating without a chaperone. Amazing, right?! But, this comes with a major dilemma.
Should we give “the cookie” away on the first date?
Now, Mr Steve Harvey has famously stuck by his “90 Day Rule” where, you do not have sex within the first 90 days of dating a man. This seems like a healthy compromise for women who are afraid of the stigma that comes from having sex on the first date.
However, there are some men who have stuck around for the 90 days and, have still proceeded to hit it then quit it.
And, there are some men who have had sex on the first date then, have watched the SAME woman walk down the aisle a few years later.
No one has the right to tell you whether or not you should have sex on the first date or even wait until you are married. This is about your own emotional and spiritual journey.
And, if you sighed or burst out laughing at the “waiting to married” line – that’s not cool either. Slut shaming or modesty shaming is foul on both sides.
But, let’s talk to the women who want to get freaky.
You’ve gone on a date with Mr. Tall-Dark-And-Handsome. The chemistry is off-the-charts from the moment you two met.
He picked you up early (CP time DOES NOT exist).
and, in his OWN car (we don’t want NO scrub!).
He held all of the doors for you, stood up when you stood up and you had REAL good conversation. He respects you and you like how he conducts himself.
And, at the same time…
He makes you feel desirable and sexy and makes it clear that you are HIS woman. You can’t keep your eyes off his muscle outlined by his shirt. The way he always manages to maintain physical contact with you by brushing your leg and arm. Woah! You feel like you’re on a completely different planet. And, he’s had them “eyes” on you all night (you know what I’m talking about).
He drops you off and is waiting for a signal for you to invite him inside.
All there is to say is if YOU want to…
Go and get your bad boy!
So… what do you think? Sex on the first date…yay or nay? Let me know in the comments.
Below is my reply, and I would certainly welcome your comments, so please leave them below.
Contrary to how some may feel:
Not ALL black women enjoy wearing a black eye after asking their boyfriend to pick up after himself.
Not ALL black women are trying to get as many baby daddies as birthday candles they blow out each year.
Not ALL black women get abortions like hair salon appointments.
In fact… I don’t know too many who would say they enjoy this (or any!).
There are so many stereotypes about black women out there in the world. But what I know to be true is:
ALL black women are powerful.
ALL black women are ethereal.
ALL black women are unyielding.
Do we make mistakes? Hell, yes. We are human, after all! We live and learn, sometimes repeat the same mistakes and learn again. We are liberating ourselves from the societal constraints in films like: “Girls Trip”, music by my Queen: “Lemonade” and, my favorite tool for liberation?
African American Urban Fiction.
Writers, like me, use our creative license to give you an Urban Fiction storyline that you will enjoy but also learn from. These may not be the typically socially conscious book but they are still designed to uplift, inspire and inform as well as entertain readers as we illustrate the dangers of urban life. Think about books like “The Coldest Winter Ever”, “Moth to a Flame”, “Life” (yes, Bae’s book), “Midnight”, we can go on and on…
All of these traditional and early urban stories demonstrated the dangers and misfortunes of urban life and taught a lesson about the street life while also being entertaining. Some end happily and some don’t. It’s the same with the current wave of urban books.
There are reasons many love to read Urban Fiction. Are there parts which are distasteful? YES! But, the same can and should be said about other genres as well. The reality is that many of the different scenarios we shine a light on are actually true to real-life situations.
There ARE black women out there who utilise abortions as a form of birth control.
There ARE black women who glamorise lighter skin and denigrate women of a darker hue.
There ARE black women who take back guys who are abusive and cheat.
But guess what? It’s not just African American women. TRIFLING is not relegated to a specific color. Black, brown and white populations have trifling people in their demographic makeup. It’s not something that we own but it is a part of life that plagues people in the urban/hood areas.
The majority of urban books are framed as a cautionary tale. Plenty of books show how terrible outcomes come about because of the abortions, abuse, unprotected sex, etc. – AIDS, deaths and such included… People don’t just get off easy in our books. They pay the consequences for their actions.
Sure, there is a love story and the hero often may be someone who talks and acts reckless and may even be disrespectful but the character always shows growth from there as the series progresses… just like in any other genre.
Other genres have their negative repeat issues that circulate in their books. Take a minute to scroll through ‘mainstream’ romance novels and you’ll see that everybody over there has a ‘Christian Grey BDSM guy’ who sexually enslaves the timid, shy heroine, or a bad ass biker boy who shuns love for casual sex but eventually finds the one he can’t resist, or what about the billionaire romance where the bad ass mafia heir finds true love with the morally sound good girl he just can’t resist?
Bleh.
And the way black women are represented? Some mainstream authors love to have a “blue-eyed blonde” or typical looking character type. All genres have a “type” but I think the urban authors I’ve read have been great with having a variety of physical make-ups in our books.
The truth is that Black women come in all shapes and sizes… and I’ve seen that variation in the books that I’ve read. I’ve seen that variation in the books I’ve written.
And where do we get this notion from that an ‘exotic look’ means the character is not entirely black? With all the different features that Black women have (high cheekbones, almond/slanted eyes, etc) ‘exotic’ is most definitely a description that pertains to a Black woman. A Black woman can look ‘exotic’ because she has a Jamaican, Nigerian, Trinidadian and American background… all ‘black’ areas. If you think ‘exotic’ equals ‘European’ or that Black women can’t have long hair or light eyes, YOU may be part of the problem.
Readers love waiting for the scene where the man who claims to be in love ends up in a compromising situation with another woman.
Readers smile with glee while reading the scene where he comes crawling back and begs for her forgiveness.
Readers read with bated breath when, in frustration, he punches the wall next to her head and backs her up to the bed (yes, Nelly, It’s getting hot in here!).
And readers also love to see the characters work through the dysfunction. They love to see the victorious moment or the lesson that is learned at the end. And that’s why we are here.
Proper promotion is the lifeblood of the industry and will often make or break the success of your book, no matter how good it is. Your publishing company will undoubtedly assist in the promotion of your book but understand that this by itself isn’t enough.
A major part of being and establishing yourself as an author is the promotion you consistently do surrounding your books. Here are some tried and tested tips to catapult your book promotional strategies.
Promote daily
Be proactive. You cannot sit on your laurels and assume that just because you’ll get some promotion from your publishing company that it will be sufficient. Remember that publishing companies have numerous books to promote. You may have one or two. Focus your energy on promoting your projects daily. Be consistent. The more eyes that see your promotions, the better.
Create a professional Facebook page
As an author, you need a business page you use daily to promote your projects. Facebook is one of the biggest social media platforms, and your potential reach as an author is greatly helped by how you use this platform. Interact with your audience and like-minded readers. Concentrate on establishing a strong brand. Don't just promote your material but be engaging. Click To Tweet Make sure to take the time to display your personality. That in itself will attract potential readers to you.
Create an Amazon Central page
Once you’ve released something on the Amazon platform, you have the ability to create a page linked to your work that has various necessary information. This is the perfect place for reader’s to go to see what else you may have written.
You have to generate buzz surrounding your books. You can do this by pulling pictures of what characters look like, including excerpts and blurbs, offering a giveaway, etc. There are some ways you can make your book look incredibly appealing by implementing specific promotional tactics. Be creative and be consistent. Once excitement is high, don’t let your foot off the gas.
Discover more valuable promotional tips by watching the video!
When a Queen finds her King, she goes from strong to invincible. Strong women have to make tough decisions that require them to use their head instead of their heart. Every strong woman knows and values the worth of her king. Soulmates never dissipate.
“Naw, I don’t wanna grow up,” you say to yourself. But, we all have to at some point.
There is a moment in all of our lives when we have to step up and take responsibility for anything and everything in our lives. Where you are is a culmination of every single decision you have made up until this point.
I have your back though. Here are 4 key ways for you to start taking responsibility in your own life.
1. Stop Making Excuses
The blame song is a really old record you need to stop playing over and over. Be brave enough to know that you owe yourself the truth. Be brave and admit it.
Remember, when you point the finger at somebody else, there are 3 pointing straight back at ya. If you find yourself saying things like “She didn’t do what she was supposed to do…” or “If only Kevin wouldn’t go buying mansions for 32-year-old masseuses…”
In a relationship, it’s something we women need to be careful about doing. Make sure you only take responsibility for things that are completely within your control and have your name on it. As you get further along in your relationship, you’re going to have to learn some things about making those tough decisions.
With your head and not your heart.
As you get further along in your relationship, you’re going to have to learn some things about making those tough decisions. With your head and not your heart. Be sure to read the post: Overcome Relationship Obstacles and Stay Strong Together
Here are 2 reminders to help you with making difficult decisions.
3. Trust Your Gut Instinct
“When ya know, ya know”. We all see women who have stayed with cheating men and we wonder “How the hell is she doing it?” Well, what if you love literally every single thing about him and it was a one-off. Some of us would go, “Damn right, I’m gone”.
It all comes down to your instinct – no matter what your head or heart say about the matter. Trust your gut. It never lets you down.
4. What Do You Value Most?
Trust. Honesty. Loyalty. Soulmate. There are so many standards and principles we have that can never be messed with. Make sure that the hard decisions you make are in line with your values.
For example, if your most important value is to stay with your King, then you’ll be able to stick with him regardless of anything. Know your values and act according to them. When you know yourself, you know what to do and what you really want.
As you get fiercer and wiser, learn to hold yourself accountable and trust your intuition. Would love to hear about a time you stood strong and true to you. Let me know in the comments!
Family isn’t about DNA. Plenty of us have blood relatives who we never see except at Thanksgiving (and that’s cos they came for our sweet potato pie – not us, boo!).
Some of us have parents who adore us and will do anything for us. We also have family members who get on our very last nerve…
Importantly, there are others out there with parents who may have split up and started new families. You may not feel as much of a priority as your step-siblings.
Many of us may have abusive parents who make your life a living hell.
Or how about those of you who have never even met your parents?
There are aunts and uncles who don’t make an effort to get to know you. When they call it’s to compare their children’s achievements to yours.
“Ohhhh, my daughter got all A’s and your girl got a B in Math. Might want to check that sista”.
Family can take any shape or size. A single mom or dad, step-families, grandparents raising their grandkids, adoptive or foster parents, and every unique setup out there.
Here are 6 qualities that you should look for in the people you choose to be your family.
There are so many conversations I start when I need some advice. But if the person I’m talking to makes it about them, I know ‘they ain’t family.’ Be surrounded by people who listen to you.
There will be times in your life when you need someone to step-up and be there for you. Get strong people on your team.
3. Commitment
Ensure your relationship is a top priority for the other person. Okay, so sometimes they may have something going on but, they shouldn’t stand you up all of the time or be unreliable.
You refer as many friends as possible so you are entered many times.
The more times you’re entered, the more chances you have of winning!
You can share on Facebook, Twitter, by email or anywhere you can post your personal link.
Good Luck—The Porscha Sterling Team
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The publishing house you select to publish your book matters more than you may realize. While your goal is to undoubtedly get your book represented by your top choice publishing house, it’s best to know exactly what to look for when deciding on which publisher to go with. This decision is no small feat and should be reached after exhaustive consideration.
But what should you look for in a publishing company? Many people don’t even know where to start and may ignore specific red flags simply because they don’t know any better. Watch the video to find out. Not got time to watch? Scroll down to read 5 key tips to bear in mind.
Professionalism
There should be a clear air and level of professionalism that can be readily determined by how the company conducts themselves. Things like websites, book covers, all images, along with how the staff conducts themselves on public social spaces.
The Team
Make sure the people who represent the publishing house are as legit as they say. Are they knowledgeable about the industry and its particular sector? Do they also have published work? Is it of admirable quality? You should know the answers to these questions before choosing any particular publisher.
What is the publishing houses vision? Are they reader focused or author focused? It is possible that they could be both? How is this displayed and exhibited in their rhetoric and marketing strategies? How do they embody this specific culture?
Have you seen the video I made about how to submit a manuscript?Check it out here.
The Environment
Where does the focus lie? Is it one that encourages the focus on brands, careers, and development? Are they enriching and encouraging? Do they want to take on more books and expand their reach because it matters and they care?
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