You must let go of the past before you can move forward
“He really did me dirty!”
“Sure I’ll forgive him…when chickens fly and Cisco leaves the Creep Squad!”
“Men are really, Really, REALLY trash!”
We’ve all been here before ladies. We take a chance on a guy we meet. He says all the right things while you’re dating. He tells you he loves you.
Then the ball drops and the ish really hits the fan.
“You have HOW many baby mothers?!”
“You have a BABY on the way?!”
Whatever reason had you running for the hills, it’s safe to say you may be wary about getting into your next relationship. If you think you can get over a guy by getting under another, guess what?
There, I said it.
Believe it. Accept it. Learn from it. Now say it with me “No more dick therapy!”
Take the time to heal from your last relationship. Learn to let go. Because in letting go, you can eventually move forward. You don’t want to end up getting into a relationship only to repeat the SAME mistakes from past relationships. Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again whilst expecting different results.
That means by following the steps in this post, you get to be as smart as Einstein but with your baby hair edges laid.
Here are three ways to let go of the past and move on.
3 Steps to let go and move on
Accepting does not mean that you act like what happened was okay and you’ll get over it tomorrow. Take some time to reflect on what happened to you. This can be hard to do with your best friend in the background shouting “I knew it! I knew his ass was no good!”
Take 2 minutes out of your day to sit down in silence. Think back to your relationship as if you were a third party observer. Understand what he did wrong, what you did wrong and accept it. Now… don’t go over what you did wrong and use that as an excuse to go back into that toxic relationship! I’ve seen ladies do this way too often. They forgive a man and use that as an excuse to hop right back into his bed.
Acceptance is needed but learn from your past and move on.
Write down a list of your values. These will be the new standards that you have for yourself. This will help you to make sure you don’t fall for the same crap in your next relationship. If you don’t think about these things that you know won’t work for you, identify them and push for better in your next, you’ll fall into the same trap again. We tend to date people with like behaviors because there is a familiarity there that we don’t always consciously pick up on. If you are honest with yourself about what you want (and don’t want), you can check yourself so that you don’t make the same mistakes again.
The last step is to believe in who you are and the standards that you have. You are building a solid foundation because you have accepted what happened to you and you’ve given yourself the armour to defend against any future creeps.
Men lying and their trickery is something that we can’t control. But, we CAN heal ourselves so that when we do find a good guy, we don’t let all of the LOSERS who did us dirty get in the way of true happiness. And, once you’ve invested in who YOU are as a woman, forgiveness happens naturally! You’ve put all your energy into making yourself stronger. You won’t even have to think about what’s-his-name anymore.
Yeah, calling them ‘LOSERS’ is a little childish.
But whatever, some of them still live in their mama’s basement so…
You know I want to hear from you, what are your thoughts on this?
Leave your comments below.
“He never picks his damn clothes off the floor!”
“When are you going to grow up?”
“I ain’t your mama!”
Do you ever get the feeling that even though you signed up to be a girlfriend/fiancée/wife that what you ended up being is a glorified mama to your man? It’s frustrating, it’s annoying and… quite frankly, it’s not what you should have to do when it comes to your life.
Ladies, you have a really hard decision to make if you are aggravated like this every day. You might have a pit of disgust sitting in your stomach right now because you hate every…little…thing that he does. You complain to your girlfriends, your family members or your bedroom wall (you know who you are). You do things that aren’t normal for you, act out when that’s not your character, lash out at people who have nothing to do with your problem. At times, you may not even know who you are anymore.
In some cases, it may mean it’s time to throw in the towel and let that man-child go but in other cases, this is a situation that can easily be solved. So ask yourself this question: Do you want to stay in your relationship?
Do you hear yourself saying things like:
“But, we’ve been together for so long.”
“But, I really love him.”
“But, I’m over 30 and don’t want to start again.”
Enough excuses! If you’re staying with a man for any other reason than the fact that you truly love him (quote #2), then you need to cut your losses and Let. Him. Go.
But if you want to salvage your relationship and go back to being the happier, more pleasant you… it’s time to figure out how to detox!
You can start by following this 3-step detox method which will put your bitching ways behind for good (and I say that in the most kindest way possible!).
3 Ways to detoxify your relationship
1. Get A Gratitude Journal
Complaining takes a lot of energy, and I mean a lot! You have to furrow your eyebrows (don’t test the “black don’t crack” theory), project your voice and have to refold the laundry you put away in anger. And as a woman, you set the mood and tone for everyone else in your home. If you’re agitated, frustrated and upset, everyone else will be agitated too. Protect your sanity!
Get a small journal or notepad and write down the things that you are grateful to your lover. Did he watch “Baggage Claim” with you for the hundredth time because it’s your favorite movie? Acknowledge the good things and you’ll be better for it.
If you’re still with the dude, he can’t be all bad (and if he is… RUN!).
Take out time from your day to focus on the good and cleanse out those bad vibes.
2. Stay Away From People Who May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship
Important to Note: A lot of women become isolated from their friends or family when they meet a man with very controlling behavior.
Now… I’m not talking about getting rid of all your friends and family who are genuinely concerned about your wellbeing. I’m talking about the heifers and haters. Your man’s ex-girlfriends or your ex-boyfriends who keep sniffing around and sabotaging your relationship. Some of your ‘friends’ who are quick to hop on the train and dog your man about his shortcomings every time you get angry. Include family in on this because they do it, too!
Sometimes it’s not good to always have an ‘amen’ person in your corner to agree with everything you say. You need people who sincerely want you to be happy to listen to your vents and give you positive advice on how to solve your problems without making it worse by bashing your man! That will only make you more angry and crazy.
And then let’s talk about baggage… Some of the complaining you’re doing may even come from insecurities about the thots who can’t get over the fact that your man has moved on. Do you compare yourself to his exes or other people vying for attention in his life? If he’s never given you a reason to be insecure, don’t create one!
And as for the people popping noise as soon as they get the chance to bash you and your relationship… they don’t want to see you happy. If they did, they wouldn’t be so quick to harp on the bad. This is not going to help you and your relationship. So detoxify and flush those people out of your life!
3. Talk to Him
This means having a rational conversation when you’re done with your laundry tantrum. While you’re cleaning your dirty clothes, it might be a good time to clean out your issues with him too.
Nagging doesn’t exist. It doesn’t. “Nagging” is just used when men don’t like your tone or your timing.
Don’t talk when you’re frustrated because it won’t come out right. With men, HOW you say what you say is sometimes even more important than WHAT you say. Unless you have a real man-child, he doesn’t want to be talked down to. He’s a leader and he wants respect (as do you) so you’ve got to come correct if you want to be heard.
So have that conversation and make it abundantly clear that you are having some issues in the relationship that you would like to see changed. Then, turn it to him. What things would he like to see you change? He may just surprise you.
You don’t only detoxify your relationship you’re also creating a way to make it stronger.
Check out my blog post, Overcome Relationship Obstacles and Stay Strong Together for an added dose of relationship advice.
You know what to do—leave your comment below.
“I don’t believe this.”
“Is that who I think it is…?”
“Playas gon’ play.”
Cheating is one of the worst things that can happen to your friend. The devastation it causes is horrible, and the impact of being cheated on can last a long time. She’s not feeling right, eating right and sleeping right.
When are these dogs gonna learn?!
But…this time it’s your friend doing the lying and cheating. Your friend is the one being unfaithful!
Your friend creeping around like a TLC hit song when she actually HAS a good man.
You see her acting crazy, being a snappy lil’ crocodile with you and flippin’ tables at a baby shower – I had to mention Lyrica and Brooke’s mess over Safaree right?
You tell yourself that it’s cool. Your loyalty is to your friend despite what she might be doing behind her boyfriend’s back. Your job as a best friend is to listen to her dilemma and not judge.
He’s your friend too.
This is so messy, right? You have two friends whom you adore, they’re dating each other, and one is lying and cheating on the other. You’ve probably always been the one they run to when things need to be discussed about their relationship. (Think, Vince and Tamar, running to Toni in Bermuda).
Now, on top of that, it’s your friend who’s cheating on her man. What are you going to do about this?
Well, I’m here to break down some of the things you’re gonna have to think about while you make your decision.
Did you see the cheating, really?
You need to make sure your eyes are not playing tricks on you.
Your friend has been acting really strange with her phone lately. She takes it everywhere with her and doesn’t let her boyfriend see it when the three of y’all are hangin’ out. Is she being unfaithful, or is she going through something with her family and wants to protect someone else’s privacy?
Or, she’s been responding to a guy who recently slid into her DMs. You’re wondering “why the heck is she talkin’ to this random guy when she has a good guy at home?” Is she really cheating, or is she doing something stupid to make herself feel better?
Catching her in the act is another thing. Did you see her out to dinner with another guy? It could be a work thing, and you are jumping to conclusions. But, if your friend is messaging you saying he’s making some chicken soup to take over to his girl’s house because she’s feeling sick…and you see your friend sharing a lobster with another man when she said she would be at home…you might need to do some detective work.
Then there’s the obvious. You get home from a long hard day at work, and you hear skin slappin’ and a mattress creakin’. When you go to the kitchen for breakfast the next day, you find your friend flippin’ pancakes for a man you’ve never seen before. Ah hell!
You need to figure out what you saw with your own two eyes and ask her about it first before going straight to him.
How long has this been going on?
There are a few ways she can explain herself. She was hiding her phone because she has a male friend that he feels insecure about. Her male friend can sometimes be a little flirty, and she didn’t want her man getting the wrong idea by reading something out of context. Or, something is going down with her sister, and she wants to protect her privacy. It could be innocent.
The guy she was messaging on Insta was just for some harmless flirting to get back at her man for slidin’ into another girl’s DMs. She never intended for anything to come of it, and she just wanted to feel good.
The dinner she went to was completely work related. She lied about being sick because her boyfriend doesn’t particularly like her work colleague. He thinks that he’s into her and is just scheduling these dinners to break up their relationship. She knows how insecure her man is and doesn’t want him to worry.
That bed creakin’…It was a one-time thing, and she will never do it again. She was in a rut in her relationship and wanted to do something exciting and different for once. Besides, he’s cheated on her before, so she was on her Keyshia Cole, and he got what he deserved.
Then there could be a completely different response. She is a shameless cheat who has had numerous affairs and has no intention of changing. She’s ‘sorry, not sorry’ and reminds you to mind your business.
What is the right thing to do?
Both of them are your friends, and you want to protect both of them equally. There is no “right” time to tell your friend that his girlfriend is cheating on him. He will be destroyed either way.
You just have to weigh up different factors. Do they have kids? Are they in a serious relationship or married? Are they getting married in a week? Is there some part of you that is secretly in love with your friend, and this has given him the best opportunity to dump her and pick you? (Hmmm!).
Boyfriend, fiancé, married. Do you even care? Cheating is cheating. If you want to sweep it under the rug, you can. But if you want to tell your friend what his girl is up to, it will hurt a LOT! And what will the fallout be? You could lose both of your friends (and your godmother duties).
If you’re going to tell him that his girl is cheating on him, you need to come correct with receipts. An accusation of cheating can cause waves in a relationship and could fracture the foundation that your friends have built. You need to come with receipts, screenshots, audio, video – go Cheaters on her ass!
The worst case scenario would be if she made you look hella jealous and you ended up losing both of your friends for good. Make sure that when you come, you’re coming with facts.
The decision of whether you should or shouldn’t tell your friend that his girl is cheating on him is up to you. Understand that whatever is in the dark will come to light. So, whether you tell or not, your friend will eventually find out. The question is: can you live with yourself and the role you decided to play?
What do you think? Do you tell or keep it to yourself? Let me know in the comments, please!
To grow up, you have to take responsibility for your life
Have you ever had one of these days?
“I’m so tired of life.”
“I’m a Junior in college, and for some reason, I’m still in bed at 2.32pm on a Tuesday eating Lucky Charms out of a mug…with a fork”.
“I’m so tired of this neighborhood. All people do around here is gossip and make up lies about me.” (I’m sure Phaedra would be proud).
You know what I’m talking about. The days where you don’t want to get out of bed. You feel hopeless and, that no matter what, things aren’t going to go your away.
You need to grow up.
Ohhh…tough love. But that’s why you love me.
Before you throw away this article and dig your fork back into your mug, I’m going to let you know that this is…
Completely your fault.
Hahaha…hold on. Help is here!
How to grow up and take responsibility
These 2 facts right here are going to change your entire life for the better. You hear (or, you read)!
Own up to every choice you have taken, what the result of that choice has been and how it impacts you today.
(Own up like we’re waiting for Fetty Wap to own up to whether Dreamdoll’s baby is his).
Realise that we’re talking about choices YOU have made. Some of us didn’t get a chance to make choices. Some of us didn’t choose to grow up in foster care. Some of us didn’t choose to lose our homes because of hurricanes and floods. Some of us didn’t choose to lose our loved ones when we needed them the most.
The good news is that, if you’re reading this, you’ve made it through all of these trials and you are stronger now for it. And if you’re not through it yet, you’re getting there. Trust me.
And here are 3 things you can do today to make sure you make the most of tomorrow. (Corny, but I like it).
1. Decide When You’re Going to Get Up
Pick a time. Stick with it. This doesn’t have to be crazy like 4 or 5 am. Pick a time that you will get up to grind towards your dreams and stick with it.
2. Plan Your Dreams Backwards
Write down all of the dreams you have. To be an NY Times Bestseller. Open your own restaurant. Lose 50lbs. Whatever it is, write it down. Then ask yourself some questions. How long will this take? What skills do you need? Who can help you? What small milestones do you need to achieve your goal?
3. Make A Schedule
You don’t always have to be a strong person; you have to be a consistent person. Your schedule, geared towards your dream, is strong enough for you.
Once you take ownership of your life, you can change anything in your life!
Do you know someone who could benefit from reading this post? What are your thoughts on this? Share in the comments below.
“You’re pretty…for a dark-skinned woman.”
“OMG! A black woman with green eyes!”
“Wow, your hair is so nice and long – what are you mixed with?”
Colorism is a toxic ideal which has ingrained itself in many cultures throughout the world. Some may argue its relevance but, this conversation keeps rearing its ugly-as-all-get-out head.
Whether it’s Kodak Black and his preferences…
…or Hazel E’s Twitter meltdowns.
So, what is colorism?
Colorism is having prejudiced attitudes and/or discriminating against someone based on the shade or tone of their skin. People of different races may have the same skin tones. Cardi B is a black girl from the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico, and she has the same skin tone as Rita Ora who is a white girl from Kosovo.
At the same time, people of the same race may have different skin tones. Beyoncé and Lupita are both gorgeous black women with different skin tones.
How did we end up with the idea of colorism in our society?
Colorism is experienced all the time across all races, cultures and continents. Whatever is closest to ‘whiteness’ – regardless of your race – is the best in society.
And, how the heck did we get to that messed up idea?
Let’s go waaaaay back.
Stemming back centuries, colonization by white Europeans created these ‘standards’ and societal norms. Anything close to straight hair, white skin, and light colored eyes was the most civilized, intelligent, beautiful, wealthy and powerful. There were rights and privileges strictly for whites and the closest you were to white, the better privileges you had.
Paper bag test, anyone?
C’mon somebody! The doll test?
This disgusting system of judging someone’s worth based on the color of their skin is still taken to its extremes today.
Bleaching creams are a multibillion-dollar industry. Our music videos and lyrics tell us that light is ‘in’ and dark is ‘out’. Celebrities we admire succumb to this form of internalized racism.
Is Lil’ Kim even recognizable these days?
But, it’s not limited to the entertainment industry – women with darker skin tones get longer prison sentences for the same crime. I repeat. For the same crime.
We go on dates with guys and are told we are pretty because we are light-skinned or we are pretty despite being dark-skinned. We are encouraged to get with someone lighter so our kids will be lighter. We get looked over for relationships because ‘light-skinned girls are too high maintenance’ or dark-skinned girls are ‘too ugly, bitter, and jaded’. Our young girls and women are being fed B.S. from other men and women about what they can do to not get ‘too dark’; “Stay out of the sun” or “use this ‘special’ cream”.
And, there is hurt on both sides.
“You have privileges that I will never have because you are light-skinned”.
“I was never black enough to hang with the black kids and have felt like an outcast my whole life”.
This internal battle within our own communities is something that needs to be discussed more and vilified as the harmful mindset which it is. Young women and men need to be re-taught what it means to have a lighter and darker skin tone. And that is…
People of all shades and tones are civilised, intelligent, beautiful, wealthy and powerful. And remember, you can only be accepted by other people if you learn to accept and love you for who you are. Focus on you, love you…first!
What do you think? Have you been affected by colorism? Let me know in the comments.
“You deserved it you two-bit whore.”
“You made me do it, I saw you staring – are you sleeping with him?”
“Maybe if you had my dinner done right. Go, get some ice!”
One thing I can tell ya is, if he’s hit you once, he WILL do it again. Of course, there will be the apologies, the excuses, and the reasons. You can imagine it right now.
The red haze.
He didn’t know any better.
You “made” him do it, but he “forgives” you.
And of course you may be thinking:
“Maybe if we just bring God in…?” NO!
Maybe if I stop hanging with…? NO!
Maybe if I stop wearing…? NO!
Stop the madness! You don’t need to stay in an abusive relationship.
Rihanna’s battered face after Chris Brown thumped her.
Allegations about Tamar and Vince have been swirling around for a minute now, honey.
And eeeeek, cover my ears! Nas and Kelis – say it ain’t so!
There’s also a disproportionate number of black women staying in these abusive relationships compared with any other race. We’re gonna dive deep into the top 3 reasons why women stay and why, in particular, black women do (Yep, we’re not gonna sugarcoat anything here!).
Top 3 reasons women put up with domestic abuse:
For some women, you don’t want to be alone, and you don’t know if you’ll ever find someone else again. You’re scared of ending up being a 61-year-old virgin like LeToya Jackson.
You don’t know how you’ll survive because he handles all of the finances. What if you try to leave and he kills you?
Sometimes you catch yourself remembering what it was like at the start. He’ll say or do something that’ll make it seem ‘not all that bad’ anymore. You think, ‘maybe I’m blowing this out of proportion?’
That scene in Tyler Perry’s ‘For Colored Girls’ will forever be etched into my mind.
What if he stops you from seeing your kids or worse, if he takes it out on them?
Now, top 3 reasons black women stay in abusive relationships:
- Racism or Sexism – What’cha gon’ choose?
Within your own relationship, you’re choosing between protecting yourself as a woman or supporting your man who’s being beat down by the system. Look alive sista!
You’re getting beat down too. Get gone!
- Our Communities
Heaven forbid this gets out! “Why’re you trying to make him look bad in front of white people?” Forget them.
- You Feel Like It’s Your Only Option
Hello, call the police!
But, how do we do that if we don’t trust them? Getting arrested for staying in your own Air BnB. And, what consequences will you face when he finds out you called for help…
Domestic abuse themes are prevalent in our novels because they’re awfully just as prevalent in our own lives. And, let’s not get it twisted, a lot of men suffer from abuse at the hands of women. And, for a black man? Well, that’s a whole other article.
I would love to know your thoughts about this, please let me know below!
More than just hooking up
“Sex feels so much better without it”.
“It’ll just ruin the moment”.
“Don’t worry about it baby”.
How many times have we read these lines in urban romance books?
They’re followed up by a real good hot and heavy sex scene (ooo-la-la!)
Did the couple use protection?
Did either party mention using protection? (Don’t just leave it to the fellas, ladies).
Did you even stop reading and notice?
Now, now, I’m not judging you because, I’m also guilty of forgetting to include condoms from time-to-time when writing an explicit scene.
We’ve all had those WOW moments which have led us to tumbling into the bedroom without common sense and a condom. They go a little like this.
- This brother at the bar is looking kinda fine
- He’s coming over
- So, we’ve had a couple of drinks and my panties are already melting
- And, now we’re making out at the bar
- And, we’re making out in his car
- Oh, now we’ve made it into his room
- Ooh, I like that!
- Oooh crap, what just happened?!
It happens. However, this proportionately occurs more in urban romance books than our phenomenal every day lives. Do you think it’s time for contraception to be included in our urban romances?
I know. I know. Some of us were really looking forward to the unprotected sex scenes and the inevitable “it just happened” the next morning. Especially, when a surprise baby mama shows up later in the book and things really start getting interesting. But, unprotected sex typically has lots of consequences in our urban romances – even DEATH (dum-dum-dum!)
I realize I didn’t address this in my post: Giving it up on the first date – what’s wrong with that? Should I have?
And let’s get real.
When unprotected sex isn’t fun anymore
There are many consequences for unprotected sex. Here are 3 main ones:
You can’t tell if someone has an STI by how they look or act (or, even say). There are a lot of STIs, like HIV, which can’t be treated by antibiotics. There are even some that have NO symptoms – including chlamydia!
Having a baby is a serious responsibility and will change your whole world. Some of us may be in school, busy at work or planning to travel the world. Then, poof! 2 pink lines change your life foreva!
Do you really want that guy at the bar to be the father of your child and tied to you for the next 18 years?
If YOU want your partner to wear a condom during sex then, should he respect you and your wishes? How would you feel if he refuses?
Let’s get more real.
There are some young women who grow up in homes where sex isn’t discussed. Some of our parents tried (and failed) to give us “the talk”. And, most young women get their misinformation from friends in school, social media and – yes, you’ve got it – urban romance novels.
All readers are clearly responsible for their own actions. Urban romance novels are just that – novels! They’re made for light reading, late nights with a glass of wine, and girl chat sessions with your besties.
Yet, we live in a society where young women are getting illegal butt injections because of IG posts. Where young women are starting fights in school as if training for a spot on Love and Hip Hop. Do you think they may be using these novels for sex education?
I hope not, but I’m not sure.
So, should safe sex feature more in our urban romance novels? I know one reader had a lot to say about it, read about that in my post: [Opinion] Urban Fiction Genre – A Reply to a Reader. But I want to know what you think!
Let me know in the comments, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
“Do you know that even until now, I still can’t get you off my mind?”
“I’ve always wanted to do this, even back when we first met.”
“It’s so hard to control myself around you.”
These are all of the right things a woman wants to hear. A man who can’t stop thinking about you, wanting you and desiring you. Yasss!
You make him wanna leave the one he’s with and start a new relationship.
Only problem is…
He’s your best friend’s husband.
Buy my latest book: A Real Love
. Read how this
Stop the madness!
(But, shhh…let’s entertain it for a while y’all).
The “so-called” best friend who puts you down all the time, humiliates you and makes you feel worthless.
“Are you really getting that? You’re getting big ya know. Waiter, she’ll have the salad instead.”
“You’re never going to get married looking like you do now”.
My husband loves me because I keep it snatched. Get it together now!”
You can also check out another blog post I wrote: Overcome Relationship Obstacles and Stay Strong Together
The cutting remarks, “helpful” suggestions and subtle (or not-so-subtle) jabs have all taken their toll.
But, there are other reasons why women cheat with their best friend’s husband (hold on tight while we take a stroll down CRAZY-AS-ALL-GET-OUT lane):
- The husband is easily available
You don’t even have to try to get him. Whenever you’re over at the house he uses any excuse to touch you when she’s not looking. Why hunt for a man when there’s one right on your doorstep?
- She doesn’t deserve him
You know for a fact that she’s cheated on him multiple times before. Paired with the fact that you can’t stand how she treats you anymore – why not help him cheat?
- You should never have given him away
You met him first and thought that he would be perfect for your bestie – not realising you still had feelings for him! You’re just taking what’s rightfully yours.
So, let’s shake the crazy out and common sense into women who think it’s okay to cheat with their best friend’s man (even if she is a nasty piece of work!):
How you get them is how you lose them
If you’re planning to keep your best friend’s husband (provided he even divorces her), what’s to stop him from doing the same thing to you?
You will never be a priority
He slides you in whenever it is convenient for him. More importantly, when he and your gal pal aren’t gettin’ it on. Are sloppy seconds that attractive?
Honor is the currency of elevation
That’s right – a lesson to be remembered from Pastor John Gray. Let it sink in. How are you honoring yourself in this ‘entanglement’ and where do you want to go in life?
So is it ever right to cheat with your best friend’s man?
“You’re a slut!”
“Damn, dropping your panties on the first date? What a whore!”
“Got your legs open like a 7-11…24 hours a day!”
This type of slut shaming is very common nowadays.
Remember seeing Amber Rose crying at a slut walk? She broke down hearing Wiz Khalifa’s lyric “I fell in love with a stripper, and fell out of love quicker”.
Or, how about seeing a sexy picture of Blac Chyna (and that IG video! Wink, wink)? Hearing judgment rain down on her from men and women ALL OVER Twitter, whilst the video was leaked without her consent!
And, at the same time, Donna from Black Ink Crew is filmed dippin’ and doin’ it in a bathroom at a local restaurant. People chanted “Ho! Ho! Ho!” so loud, my ears were ringing.
Well, this will be about intimacy on a whole other level. For the first time in history, women are dating without a chaperone. Amazing, right?! But, this comes with a major dilemma.
Should we give “the cookie” away on the first date?
Now, Mr Steve Harvey has famously stuck by his “90 Day Rule” where, you do not have sex within the first 90 days of dating a man. This seems like a healthy compromise for women who are afraid of the stigma that comes from having sex on the first date.
However, there are some men who have stuck around for the 90 days and, have still proceeded to hit it then quit it.
And, there are some men who have had sex on the first date then, have watched the SAME woman walk down the aisle a few years later.
The best response to this dilemma is…
Do the BEST FOR YOU!
No one has the right to tell you whether or not you should have sex on the first date or even wait until you are married. This is about your own emotional and spiritual journey.
And, if you sighed or burst out laughing at the “waiting to married” line – that’s not cool either. Slut shaming or modesty shaming is foul on both sides.
But, let’s talk to the women who want to get freaky.
You’ve gone on a date with Mr. Tall-Dark-And-Handsome. The chemistry is off-the-charts from the moment you two met.
He picked you up early (CP time DOES NOT exist).
and, in his OWN car (we don’t want NO scrub!).
He held all of the doors for you, stood up when you stood up and you had REAL good conversation. He respects you and you like how he conducts himself.
And, at the same time…
He makes you feel desirable and sexy and makes it clear that you are HIS woman. You can’t keep your eyes off his muscle outlined by his shirt. The way he always manages to maintain physical contact with you by brushing your leg and arm. Woah! You feel like you’re on a completely different planet. And, he’s had them “eyes” on you all night (you know what I’m talking about).
He drops you off and is waiting for a signal for you to invite him inside.
All there is to say is if YOU want to…
Go and get your bad boy!
So… what do you think? Sex on the first date…yay or nay? Let me know in the comments.
A reader left her opinion on my blog post, [OPINION+VIDEO] The Urban Fiction Genre – What It Is And What It Isn’t. She has since withdrawn her comment, however, I was able to capture it. You may read her full comment here.
Below is my reply, and I would certainly welcome your comments, so please leave them below.
Contrary to how some may feel:
- Not ALL black women enjoy wearing a black eye after asking their boyfriend to pick up after himself.
- Not ALL black women are trying to get as many baby daddies as birthday candles they blow out each year.
- Not ALL black women get abortions like hair salon appointments.
In fact… I don’t know too many who would say they enjoy this (or any!).
There are so many stereotypes about black women out there in the world. But what I know to be true is:
- ALL black women are powerful.
- ALL black women are ethereal.
- ALL black women are unyielding.
Do we make mistakes? Hell, yes. We are human, after all! We live and learn, sometimes repeat the same mistakes and learn again. We are liberating ourselves from the societal constraints in films like: “Girls Trip”, music by my Queen: “Lemonade” and, my favorite tool for liberation?
African American Urban Fiction.
Writers, like me, use our creative license to give you an Urban Fiction storyline that you will enjoy but also learn from. These may not be the typically socially conscious book but they are still designed to uplift, inspire and inform as well as entertain readers as we illustrate the dangers of urban life. Think about books like “The Coldest Winter Ever”, “Moth to a Flame”, “Life” (yes, Bae’s book), “Midnight”, we can go on and on…
All of these traditional and early urban stories demonstrated the dangers and misfortunes of urban life and taught a lesson about the street life while also being entertaining. Some end happily and some don’t. It’s the same with the current wave of urban books.
There are reasons many love to read Urban Fiction. Are there parts which are distasteful? YES! But, the same can and should be said about other genres as well. The reality is that many of the different scenarios we shine a light on are actually true to real-life situations.
- There ARE black women out there who utilise abortions as a form of birth control.
- There ARE black women who glamorise lighter skin and denigrate women of a darker hue.
- There ARE black women who take back guys who are abusive and cheat.
But guess what? It’s not just African American women. TRIFLING is not relegated to a specific color. Black, brown and white populations have trifling people in their demographic makeup. It’s not something that we own but it is a part of life that plagues people in the urban/hood areas.
The majority of urban books are framed as a cautionary tale. Plenty of books show how terrible outcomes come about because of the abortions, abuse, unprotected sex, etc. – AIDS, deaths and such included… People don’t just get off easy in our books. They pay the consequences for their actions.
Sure, there is a love story and the hero often may be someone who talks and acts reckless and may even be disrespectful but the character always shows growth from there as the series progresses… just like in any other genre.
Other genres have their negative repeat issues that circulate in their books. Take a minute to scroll through ‘mainstream’ romance novels and you’ll see that everybody over there has a ‘Christian Grey BDSM guy’ who sexually enslaves the timid, shy heroine, or a bad ass biker boy who shuns love for casual sex but eventually finds the one he can’t resist, or what about the billionaire romance where the bad ass mafia heir finds true love with the morally sound good girl he just can’t resist?
And the way black women are represented? Some mainstream authors love to have a “blue-eyed blonde” or typical looking character type. All genres have a “type” but I think the urban authors I’ve read have been great with having a variety of physical make-ups in our books.
The truth is that Black women come in all shapes and sizes… and I’ve seen that variation in the books that I’ve read. I’ve seen that variation in the books I’ve written.
And where do we get this notion from that an ‘exotic look’ means the character is not entirely black? With all the different features that Black women have (high cheekbones, almond/slanted eyes, etc) ‘exotic’ is most definitely a description that pertains to a Black woman. A Black woman can look ‘exotic’ because she has a Jamaican, Nigerian, Trinidadian and American background… all ‘black’ areas. If you think ‘exotic’ equals ‘European’ or that Black women can’t have long hair or light eyes, YOU may be part of the problem.
And, let’s face it.
- Readers love waiting for the scene where the man who claims to be in love ends up in a compromising situation with another woman.
- Readers smile with glee while reading the scene where he comes crawling back and begs for her forgiveness.
- Readers read with bated breath when, in frustration, he punches the wall next to her head and backs her up to the bed (yes, Nelly, It’s getting hot in here!).
And readers also love to see the characters work through the dysfunction. They love to see the victorious moment or the lesson that is learned at the end. And that’s why we are here.
What do you think? Did you read the reader’s comment on Urban Fiction? Be sure to let me know your thoughts in the comments below.