Struggle Love: Should Love Be This Hard?

Alright, let's chat about something that's been buzzing around lately--this topic of Black women's romanticization of "Struggle Love."

The term "Struggle Love" has been making the rounds, especially when it comes to Black women and how they choose men, painting a picture of women stuck in relationships with guys who couldn't find their own socks if they had a GPS. It's like a remix of the whole "Ride or Die Chick" vibe - and let's be real, neither one's exactly a compliment. But somehow, these messages keep popping up, telling us ladies we gotta stick it out, no matter what.

From the time we're little girls, we're taught to be caregivers and to put everyone else's needs before our own. But do we ever hear about how our partners should be caring for us? Nope, it's always about what we can do for them. It's like this patriarchal playbook that says, "You gotta earn your love by jumping through hoops." And we see it everywhere - from reality TV dramas to power couples like Beyoncé and Jay-Z doing their best Bonnie and Clyde impression. But here's the thing - what happens to the woman who's always playing the supportive sidekick?

What about her mental, physical, and spiritual health? 'Cause let me tell you, constantly putting others' needs before your own can drain the life outta you faster than a triple shot of espresso.

And don't even get me started on the movies! How many times have we seen a woman standing by her man through thick and thin, while he's out there cheating or causing chaos? But if the roles were reversed, suddenly she's labeled lazy or selfish. It's like a double standard on steroids.

In "Struggle Love," women find themselves living a lie, pretending everything's peachy when their partner's barely pulling their weight. It's embarrassing to admit you're basically raising a grown man while he's off playing video games or sliding into someone else's DMs.

So, what does "Struggle Love" look like in real life? Let's explore it:

1) Your partner's got a one-way ticket to Unemploymentville, and you're the one footing the bill.

2) He's always dangling commitment like a carrot on a stick, and yet you're still holding on, hoping he'll come around.

3) He's got a temper hotter than a summer day in the desert, which constantly makes you walk on eggshells and hold in your own feelings, but you convince yourself you can handle it.

4) Cheating? Oh yeah, that's just a minor hiccup. You're the queen of forgiveness, even when he's got a whole harem on speed dial.

5) Your relationship's like a one-sided seesaw - all give, no take.

6) You measure your worth by how happy you can make him, and if you fall short, you're drowning in guilt.

7) You're willing to risk it all to keep him happy, even if it means sacrificing your own well-being.

8) And let's not forget the classic move - trying to turn him into the perfect partner, even if it means bending over backward until you snap.

Now, if any of this sounds like your life story or the script of your current relationship, buckle up 'cause we're about to dive into some deep waters. See, what we're really talking about here isn't just "Struggle Love" - it's codependency, plain and simple. It's like being stuck in a loop, always giving, never receiving, and wondering why you keep attracting partners who couldn't love you back if their life depended on it. Codependency is an individual disorder expressed in relationships. Codependents hyper-focus on giving their love, respect, and care freely and abundantly to others while feeling undervalued, dismissed, or not demanding the same from others. Codependents want reciprocity and mutuality in relationships but do not know how to get it. Codependents struggle with their own self-love and worth because they only find value in these areas if someone else gives it to them. Codependents are attracted to a main type of person, usually someone who is an emotional manipulator (that's another topic). The cycle of struggle love is the same as a codependent & emotional manipulator relationship cycle:

So, stay tuned, 'cause next time, we're gonna unpack why we fall into these patterns and how to break free from the cycle. 'Cause girl, you deserve more than just a struggle bus ticket to Relationshipville. It's time to rewrite your love story and make it one worth telling. And, if you haven't already, check out my novel 'A Southern Street King Earned Her Love' to see how Bleu found the courage to say no to struggle love and go after the love she really deserved.

Until next time!

XOXO,

Porscha Sterling