He’s Not a Bad Guy… But He’s Not Safe Either: How to Stop Confusing Chaos with Chemistry
- Porscha Sterling
- May 17
- 4 min read
Over the years, I’ve watched—and written—about women like us falling for men who were never truly “safe.”
Not always bad. Not abusive. Not even mean, necessarily. Just… unsafe. Emotionally inconsistent. Unavailable. All passion and presence when they’re chasing you, and all distance and confusion once they “have” you.
It’s easy to write these men off as villains. But the truth is—they often come wrapped in beautiful words, romantic gestures, and that magnetic energy that makes you feel deeply desired… even when you’re barely being seen.
As a writer, I’m constantly exploring this dynamic. Yes, I’ve written characters like Lucky. Yes, I’ve published books with titles like Bad Boys Do It Better and Only a Bad Boy Can Love Her. And yes, my heroes often come with tattoos, secrets, and a little emotional damage in the beginning.
But let me be clear:
I don’t write stories to glorify toxic men.
I write stories that glorify transformation.
I love a character arc where a man who lived through hell learns how to build a home.I write about healed masculinity. The kind that still has power, edge, and intensity—but doesn’t use it to destroy women. He uses it to protect them.
Because what most of us want isn't the bad guy. We just want the one who finally chose growth.
But let’s talk about us for a second.
Because sometimes the reason we keep attracting unsafe men is because we’ve internalized chaos as connection.
We associate butterflies with bonding. We chase adrenaline and call it chemistry. We pick emotionally inconsistent men—and then try to “earn” their consistency. And even when a healthy, safe, grounded man shows up… we don’t know how to receive him.
We question it. We self-sabotage. We start fights just to feel something—because we’ve trained our nervous systems to expect drama. If you're into writing for reasons of reflecting, healing and growing, this journal prompt might help you.
Journal Prompt:
“What part of me is still drawn to intensity—and how can I learn to separate passion from pain?”
Sit with it. Because this work isn’t just about spotting red flags in them—it’s about healing the ones inside of us too.
So how do we actually heal this?
I'm glad you asked (Haha...). Here are real steps you can take to calm your inner chaos and prepare yourself to receive the kind of love you say you want:
1. Stop feeding your nervous system drama.
When your body is used to chaos, peace feels like withdrawal. If you’ve lived in survival mode, adrenaline can feel like home—even when it’s toxic.
Instead of creating unnecessary chaos to feel alive, train your body to feel safe in stillness:
Take a hot Epsom salt bath with calming music and no distractions
Journal your thoughts instead of texting someone who doesn’t deserve access to your mind
Do deep breathing exercises (4 seconds in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold—repeat for 5 minutes)
Try yoga or stretching—move the energy out instead of letting it build up
Go for a walk in nature and let your mind settle into the present
2. Redirect your energy into self-soothing instead of self-sabotage.
Before you send that paragraph… before you pick that fight… before you check that Instagram story for the 14th time: Pause and ask yourself:
“Am I reacting… or observing?”
Get in the habit of witnessing your emotions, not being led by them.
Some healthier outlets:
Light a candle and pray or meditate
Pamper yourself—do your hair, put on a soft playlist, and take yourself out
Call a trusted girlfriend and vent without spiraling (or absorbing her potential toxic conditioning)
Journal it out: write what you're feeling, why it came up, and what you can learn from it
3. Deepen your spiritual practice.
Whether you believe it or not, this is the truth:
You need an anchor bigger than your feelings.
When you stop trying to make a man your emotional center and start building your life around purpose, peace, and God’s presence—you naturally stop tolerating anything that takes you out of alignment.
Pray more. Study more. Create quiet space to actually hear yourself. Because when you're connected to your Creator, you can feel the difference between lust and alignment. Between chaos and clarity.
4. Understand what safety actually feels like.
Spoiler: It’s not boring. It’s peaceful.
It’s a man who doesn’t just say he’s ready—he proves it through emotional consistency. It’s feeling like you can be soft without bracing for disappointment. It’s love that doesn’t make you question your worth every time you set a boundary.
5. Become a safe space, too.
You can't attract healthy love if you're still operating from fear, hyper-independence, or unhealed ego.
Ask yourself:
Can I receive love without pushing it away?
Can I be honest without playing mind games?
Can I apologize, listen, compromise, and grow?
Being the partner you want means doing the work—even when no one’s watching.
Final Thought:
We say we want a good man. We say we’re ready for peace.
But the truth is—peace takes practice. And healthy love isn’t always found. Sometimes, it’s earned—by becoming the woman who no longer entertains what she used to settle for.
If you’re doing this work, you’re not alone. And if you want to explore it deeper, my latest video & journal prompt are all about this exact journey:
And if you want to see it play out on the page?
Lucky’s story in The Billionaire Next Door 2 is one of transformation, protection, and choosing peace over power.
Talk to Me
Let’s keep it real—have you ever confused chaos with chemistry?
Are you drawn to intensity even when you know it might not be healthy?
💬 What does “safety” actually feel like for you in a relationship?
💬 Have you ever self-sabotaged something good because you weren’t used to peace?
💬 What’s one way you’ve started healing your own nervous system and learning to receive love differently? Drop a comment and let’s talk.
I’m not judging—I’ve been there too. We’re just growing through it. Together.
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