Author. Publisher. Influencer.

You Cant Choose Your Family Or Can You

You Can’t Choose Your Family… Or Can You?

Blood is thicker than water.

Well, so is cornbread and fried chicken.

Family isn’t about DNA. Plenty of us have blood relatives who we never see except at Thanksgiving (and that’s cos they came for our sweet potato pie – not us, boo!).

Some of us have parents who adore us and will do anything for us. We also have family members who get on our very last nerve…

…but then we can always get it together.


Importantly, there are others out there with parents who may have split up and started new families. You may not feel as much of a priority as your step-siblings.


Many of us may have abusive parents who make your life a living hell.

Or how about those of you who have never even met your parents?

There are aunts and uncles who don’t make an effort to get to know you. When they call it’s to compare their children’s achievements to yours.

Ohhhh, my daughter got all A’s and your girl got a B in Math. Might want to check that sista.

Family can take any shape or size. A single mom or dad, step-families, grandparents raising their grandkids, adoptive or foster parents, and every unique setup out there.

Here are 6 qualities that you should look for in the people you choose to be your family.

Here are 6 qualities that you should look for in the people you choose to be your family. Click To Tweet

1. Communication

There are so many conversations I start when I need some advice. But if the person I’m talking to makes it about them, I know ‘they ain’t family.’ Be surrounded by people who listen to you.

2. Resilience

There will be times in your life when you need someone to step-up and be there for you. Get strong people on your team.

3. Commitment

Ensure your relationship is a top priority for the other person. Okay, so sometimes they may have something going on but, they shouldn’t stand you up all of the time or be unreliable.

If you find this a struggle, be sure to check out this post:  Overcome Relationship Obstacles And Stay Strong 

4. Spiritual Wellness

If you catch yourself avoiding conversations about the Holy Ghost, reconsider who can help you be the very best version of yourself.


5. Appreciation

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your family should show they appreciate you and this should go both ways.


6. Time Together

Once or twice a year isn’t gonna cut it.

Make sure your family members are putting in the time to show up for you.

No matter what your family looks like, be proud of the family you have built and are an integral part of.

No matter what your family looks like, be proud of the family you have built and are an integral part of. Click To Tweet

You matter, and you deserve to surrounded by people who 100% believe in that.

When you have family, you have everything. Do you agree? Do you have an ‘unconventional’ family? I wanna hear all about it in the comments below.



  • Nicole says:

    This article is fantastic! Blood DNA has nothing to do with family. If not, by this definition every human being on earth is your family, as we all have bits of the same DNA running through our bodies. Family is whom you choose. This is indeed correct!

    Thanks for writing! And thanks for tips on how to choose a good family member.

  • Sharene Price says:

    This was a really good post and true to life. I’m the 8th child of 10 kids 8 girls 2 boys. Im the 6th girl of the group as you can clearly see im neith here nor there. Im the outcast. My family or shall I say my sister’s are not the go to sisters. They are not family orientated as far as outside of there immediate family. You can call and talk to one about a situation around 12 at 12:15 you’ve been talked about like your a stranger in the streets. I have a better relationship with my friends then I do my own family members. If I need or ever found myself in a bind my friends are there. When I cry my friends are there to comfort me and tell me everything is going to be fine. When I need prayer my friends are there to pray and lay hands on me. Speak life into existence, speak health and prosperity into the atmosphere. So to answer the question from my point of view. DNA only makes us blood relatives. That doesn’t make us a family. A family to me is someone you can call on and say I love you and genuinely feel it. Someone who you can confide in and never gear it repeated again. Someone who is there while your at you lowest and highest moments in life and they can comfort you and cheer you own all in the same process without wishing bad on your success. Someone who will pray with you and talk about the Lord with you not try and compete again st you and secretly wish on your downfall. So I consider my friends my family.

  • Amilia says:

    Ok, I’ve been pondering on this question and did some soul searching. Here it goes my Family.
    Ok, first I come from a two parent home. My mother is an Italian American and my father is Puerto Rican. They met when my mom was 13 years old and my dad was 16 in high school. My mom was a freshman and my dad was a junior. They dated secretly for a few years.

    My grandfather left my grandmother for I believe his secretary or someone of that sort. So my grandmother was a RN at Connecticut Mental Health Hospital. She made my mom quit school after her freshman year so that she can help raise her 2 younger sisters and baby brother. I knew that my grandfather was never in the picture or around. In return my grandmother was an angry, bitter, mean woman. Stories from old neighbors and older family members, were not really nice ones.

    My grandmother was an only child, she had many cousins in the United States. I remember her mom not being happy at all. We use to call her mean great nonnie. Somehow our nonnie loved my mom so much, that she became my moms savior. I remember when she passed away my mom was heart broken and she literally had to be carried into church by my dad and auntie.
    My mother became my grandmothers punching bag. My mother has always respected her mom, but you can feel the tension in the room when they were together.
    My mom was 14 years old raising children that weren’t hers , and her childhood was stolen from her. My mother still kept in-touched with her dad from time to time.
    My parents were still secretly dating, but my grandfather knew, and let anyone know about it.

    I’m going to jump into my dads life real quick, so then we can get to “My family”.
    My father came to the states at age nine. He also had both parents in his home for a period of time. They moved to New Jersey, Vineland a small town,predominantly Hispanics and African Americans. They moved from there to Bronx in New York. It didn’t work out for so long, I gues because my abuelo (grandfather) wasn’t able to keep a job. Needless to say they moved to New Haven, Connecticut. My dad was living in an abusive household, he would witness my abuelo abuse physically and mentally my abuela (grandmother) he even witnessed her being thrown from a driving truck. My abuelo was a schizophrenia, no one knew back then. Our culture was the (don’t tell what goes on in this house, we don’t sweep out dirt out the door) family. They had secrets for days if you understand what I mean. My dad had six other siblings, he was the oldest son. He had to learn English and go to school and work. My abuelo left my abuela, and returned to Puerto Rico. My father was now appointed head of the house at 17 years old. He had to be the father, big brother, provider, for all of them. He had to do all the teacher meaning, shopping, doctors appointment. This is because my abuela didn’t speak English. My parents were still sneaking around seeing each other. They were each other outlet and sanctuary and safe place.

    My mom ended up getting pregnant with my sister at 15 years old, my dad was graduating high school that same year. My grandmother wanted to press charges on my dad because he was a little older, my dad wanted to marry my mom. Well my moms dad found out about the whole situation and shut shit down. He threatened my moms mother that he’d take her children and expose her. “Expose” I wonder he knew or had on her till this day, he took it to his grave.

    My mom turned 16 in February and married my dad. That May 1970 they had my sister. My dad went to college partime and worked to provide for his family (us).
    I know I’m really writing a lot, but it’s so much to tell.

    Growing up in a household with a Hispanic dad and Italian mom was something to remember.

    My grandmother lived on the 1st floor of the 3 family house we all rented. We lived on the 2nd floor. My grandmother tried to run my moms household too, but it quite didn’t work out well for her.
    My dad worked many jobs, because people were and are still prejudice out here. They often thought he was Jewish, so he was hired as a carpenter. He also played pool and was and still is assume. He hustled in pool hall to make extra money. Like Biggie Smalls said, “with money come more problems”. I have so much more to share, believe me. We had our share of drama, hurt, sudden death, killings, fights, happy times,pain,being in the local newspaper;that the dang NewHaven PD knew who we were. I literally could write a series on my childhood and life. But I wouldn’t or even know how to start. Family is everything to me know at the age of 43 and married to my soulmate of 18 years and together for 28 years with 2 sons, who are 22 and 15. It took many many years of therapy to feel this way. Family can be anyone who loves you and you love back. Enemies come in the form of a friendly and familiar face. Who are your blood or not. It’s a cold world we live in.

    • Porscha says:

      Wow! What a story. Although it saddens me to say that it’s something all too familiar. I wonder if it’s about the generation back then? Perhaps we need a historical urban fiction genre! Although, the 1970s isn’t that far in the past. ?

      Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m so pleased there’s a happy ending. It’s beautiful to hear that you’ve been with your soulmate for 28 years!

      Enemies come in the form of a friendly and familiar face

      This is so very true. Love and blessings to you for sharing your story. ❤️

  • Sassha Martin says:

    I’m the next to the oldest out of seven on my mom’s side and fourteen on my dad’s side. I’m ALWAYS the person they come to whenever they need something whether it’s money, babysitter, bill paid, a ride, and etc… I’m the sister that sends out “I love you” or inspirational text messages. I noticed that I was always the one putting forth the most effort so I pulled back to see who would reach out when they didn’t hear from me. I was so hurt when I only got calls when they needed or wanted something. I took of my blinders and superwoman cape and just took quality time for myself. You do a lot of running around when you have that many siblings, nieces, and nephews. I now have more me time and money in my purse. I had to find balance and stop allowing myself to be pulled in so many different directions because in all honesty, some were using me and taking advantage of my kindness. It was hard for them to adjust and some stop talking to me for a while but some reached out to me first because they genuinely missed me. At the end of the day, family is what you make of it.

  • Sheneka says:

    Girl you hit that on the mark. I whole heartily agree family is not about who your blood relatives are but those who stand beside you through all seasons.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: