“Congratulations on the new promotion! I think everyone got one this year though.”
“It’s so great that you got to travel to Europe but…you should have gone to a better city.”
“I know you’re excited, but don’t get your hopes up!”
Do you ever wonder why your friend is always putting you down, belittling you or being unsupportive? They always have something bad to say and give a kind of grimace when you tell them your good news. The same type of awkward smile you got when your friend confessed to blocking up your toilet at your last dinner party. In the name of TLC, we have a ‘Case of the Fake People’.
These fake and jealous people may have been around you for years and you haven’t even realized it yet. They are tricky to spot but here are 5 top things that you can use for a start:
1. They keep using the word ‘unfair’
“Oh my god! You got engaged – that’s SO unfair. I’ve been in a longer relationship, take some time to think about this girl”. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a new job or you’re making positive changes in your life, the person will keep throwing around the word ‘unfair’. It’s difficult for your friend to understand that you’ve risen to a new level and they want to keep you down so that they feel you’re not moving too ahead of them.
2. They’re always negative
Every time you’re around them, they love to complain, complain, complain. It’s like living with Squidward from ‘Spongebob Squarepants’. They love to give their opinion on everything that can go wrong and rarely offer any solutions or a helping hand. They’re the kind of people who will discourage you from college or job applications because: “You’d never get it anyway!”.
3. They’re very insecure
Insecurities plague everyone…but, these fakers are something special. They like to project their own insecurities onto you. This can cover so many facets of your life. There was a story of a woman putting weight-gain substances in her sisters’ breakfast smoothies so that she would look the thinnest on her wedding day (start making your own breakfast when your friends stay over).
4. They act fake when you tell them good news
Just picture everyone’s face in Love and Hip Hop when Lyrica announced her pregnancy. Yeah, if you see THOSE looks on anyone – they’re fake. It’s the limpness in their hands when they toast you a drink or the smile on their face that doesn’t quite reach their eyes. You should be able to feel the genuine emotion from your friends when they celebrate your triumphs.
5. They ghost you when you need them
You were there on the kitchen floor holding them when their wig order got messed up, and they got a 22-inch instead of a 32-inch (life is canceled). But, when your car broke down and you needed a ride to Church, they asked you to “pray on it” while they drove past you in the rain.
Alright, alright. So now, we know what the dreaded signs of jealousy and fakery are. But, what do we do with the information once we recognize that some of the people closest to us are acting fake or jealous?
Firstly, we can have a conversation with them where we communicate our feelings. This doesn’t mean we launch an all-out attack on how we’ve interpreted their behavior. They’re your friend and there’s a reason you stayed in the friendship even after the 22-inch wig breakdown of ’09 and you recovered from the cold you caught in the rain.
Take some time to ask them how they are. You’d be surprised as to how simple an issue can be resolved just by paying attention to those around you who you love. Next, you could try connecting with them about your own personal struggles. Have you ever felt like someone had it all together (cough, cough, Olivia Pope) and you just felt like you’ve been struggling a lot? Have some empathy and share your personal struggles. Oftentimes, vulnerability can be met with vulnerability and you can both learn from each other.
Lastly, set some boundaries with your friend. If you know there are some soft subjects that can be a point of contention in your friendship – agree to disagree. If you’re always talking about how great your work life is with a friend who’s been laid off for months…it might not be the best idea.
“Okay, so I had the conversation and they called me a hater. Then I told them some vulnerable stories and they shared it with other people and publicly humiliated me. And the cherry on top of this fakery sundae is…they keep overstepping MY boundaries and talking about my vulnerabilities on purpose to make me feel bad about myself. Some great advice…NOT!”
Now, if you find yourself in the situation above, in the name of Toni Braxton “Let It Flow”.
It’s hard, but sometimes friendships are only supposed to last for a season. You both got what you needed from the friendship and now it’s time to move on because it’s stopped serving you. Always fight for your friends and for those you love – this includes yourself. Never betray yourself or your needs for someone else. If you need positive people around you, then reduce the interaction you have with this friend and surround yourself with more positive people. The kind who uplift you and make you believe there are great things coming your way.
Get involved in other activities so that you fill in the time you used to spend with your friend. Practice that new recipe you always wanted to try, join a class at your local gym or start a book club. Most importantly, you have got to stay consistent. Remember when Nene said she was done with Kim for…. the twenty-third time on Real Housewives?!
We don’t want a re-hash of past BS. If you decide to leave the friendship in the past – leave it there and move on to greater things!
Have you had to (or are you still dealing) with a fake friend? How do you handle them? What do you think the underlying reason is why they act like this’
Let me know in the comments!
“I’m sick and tired of this crap!”.
“Great, another night shift. My feet are killing me”.
“I’m so broke, I don’t know how I’m going to make rent this month.”
So many of us are stuck in a rut. We’ve come to a stand-still in life and we don’t know how to keep pushing forward.
You work long and gruelling hours for little to no pay. You hate your co-workers who are always trying to sabotage you. You are tired of not having enough money to pay off your car and student debts. All of your relationships have hit the fan and your love life is as poppin’ as Hazel E’s career right now.
But don’t worry, I’m here to tell you that… nothing is permanent.
It doesn’t matter if you’re stuck at a small-time job with no end in sight. Or, if you’re living in a cramped apartment you’re forced to share with people you can’t stand. Or, if your daily commute is on a depressing bus which never comes on schedule. (Plus, you swear to black Jesus that the bus driver saw you running to catch the bus and closed the doors on you on purpose).
You might be in a small time job now but, who knows how the ball will turn? Next thing you know, you’re managing your own company. Living in a crappy apartment now? You might wake up tomorrow in a nice, quiet flat of your own. Taking a horrible bus day in and day out? You could be cruising in your own Mustang or Dodge before you know it.
Wondering how the hell you’re going to get there?
Here are some tips that you can try out to make sure that you are headed towards the life of your dreams.
Three ways to start achieving your dream
1. Write it Down
I am telling you. Something happens when you write your dreams down. Did you know that 99% of society never writes their dreams or goals down? And, the other 1% make more money than the 99% combined. That’s something to think about. There is power in words… even if they are only written.
You are the author of your life. It might not make sense right now but if you write down your dream or future goal then hopefully, that’s where the change starts.
2. Reverse Engineer
Think about where you want to be in the next 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years. Then look back to what you need to be doing every month, every week, every day in order to get closer to your dreams. A lack of focus kills so many dreams. Creating a clear and focused plan is the best way to stay on target and hold yourself accountable.
3. Keep Strong Amongst Your Haters
There are going to be people hatin’ on you which you can’t escape. Your family, friends, and co-workers will start to feel uncomfortable once they realize you want more for yourself.
“Oh so, you BIG time now?”
“And who da heck does she think she is?”
“Ya need ta remember your roots!”
You don’t have to justify your dreams and goals to anyone.
This isn’t American Idol. You don’t need anyone else to sign a permission slip for your dream. It’s yours! I can promise you one thing: you will lose friends on the road to success. There are simply certain people who won’t like the blessings you’re getting because of the fact that you’re the one getting them!
It doesn’t matter how hard you worked or how many sacrifices you made; they will hate you just because of the reason that you started in the same place that they did and achieved more. Watch out for these types! It’s hard to figure out who is who sometimes but the best advice I can give you is: Trust your gut. The very first time someone shows you that their loyalty may be questionable, realize that there is no question about it–they can’t be trusted!
If there is one thing I will leave you with, it is…
Input equals output.
And there are no shortcuts.
I could go more into this topic but I’ll leave some for my upcoming show. (Yes, I am going to insert a shameless plug) Stay tuned for Wine Down with Porscha Sterling which is coming soon. The cost of success is a topic that I will definitely get into and I promise that it won’t be an easy discussion but it’s much needed for anyone striving for more.
What do you think? Let me know in the comments.
“We’re sleeping together, but he hasn’t said ‘I love you’ yet.”
“He shuts down whenever I wanna meet his family.”
“We don’t even talk anymore.”
These thoughts keep running around in your head. You know there’s something not right between the two of you. There’s a level of intimacy you haven’t been able to reach yet.
No matter how much of a bad gal you are.
Chances are, there is ONE thing missing.
You can never be at 100% intimacy in your relationship unless you believe each other.
I don’t mean when your man says, “Girl, just trust me,” and you go “okay, baby.” Then 14 minutes later you’re with your girls like:
You need to develop a confidence with your man where you don’t second guess everything he tells you. Don’t be the girl waiting until he uses the bathroom to be stealthy and rush across the room for his phone notifications. Trust me on this! My grandmother always said to never go looking for something because you’ll always find something you don’t like. Behavior is the tell-tell sign that you should always watch out for. Don’t snoop!
If you are serious about getting a solid foundation of trust in your relationship, here are 3 questions that you and your man need to answer honestly. Truthfully.
Question 1 – How have I let you down during our relationship?
Now, this is the first step into the deep end. You need to be open to hearing how you might have messed up in the relationship. We’ve all made mistakes, and sometimes we don’t realize what lasting damage they cause.
That argument on Thursday night wasn’t really about you always picking the movie for date night. It was about you not standing up for him in front of your dad during Christmas dinner last year.
Don’t let resentment fester.
Question 2 – How did you feel in those moments when I let you down?
Angry. Upset. Annoyed. Wanted to hurt you back.
These are some words you need to be prepared to hear (and say! – this exercise goes both ways remember). You don’t have to understand the pain you made your other-half feel. Your job is to respond to it.
Question 3 – What exactly did you do back then when I let you down and how do you want to fix this now?
“Please, tell me you didn’t go out and cheat on me.”
Some guys can try to get back at you in any way they can. Even going as far as to spend the night with another woman. Prepare yourself for whatever actions they may have taken and what you are willing to do to salvage what you have with your man. It’s not for anyone but you to decide on what you’re willing to deal with in your relationship and what you’re willing to work through. At the end of the day, it’s your life and you are the one who has to live it!
But listen… don’t ever compromise your values in the process.
If it’s been broken before then, believe you can find a way to fix it – if you want it bad enough. At the same time, know when you need to walk away. Sometimes you may love a person but love just isn’t enough. As women, we love to fix a broken man. It’s just in us to be nurturing and giving to the point where we have nothing else left to give. You are no good to anyone (and definitely not to yourself) if you’re constantly empty because you’re giving your all to someone else.
What hurdles are you willing to get over in order to keep the relationship going? Let me know in the comments.
You must let go of the past before you can move forward
“He really did me dirty!”
“Sure I’ll forgive him…when chickens fly and Cisco leaves the Creep Squad!”
“Men are really, Really, REALLY trash!”
We’ve all been here before ladies. We take a chance on a guy we meet. He says all the right things while you’re dating. He tells you he loves you.
Then the ball drops and the ish really hits the fan.
“You have HOW many baby mothers?!”
“You have a BABY on the way?!”
Whatever reason had you running for the hills, it’s safe to say you may be wary about getting into your next relationship. If you think you can get over a guy by getting under another, guess what?
There, I said it.
Believe it. Accept it. Learn from it. Now say it with me “No more dick therapy!”
Take the time to heal from your last relationship. Learn to let go. Because in letting go, you can eventually move forward. You don’t want to end up getting into a relationship only to repeat the SAME mistakes from past relationships. Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again whilst expecting different results.
That means by following the steps in this post, you get to be as smart as Einstein but with your baby hair edges laid.
Here are three ways to let go of the past and move on.
3 Steps to let go and move on
Accepting does not mean that you act like what happened was okay and you’ll get over it tomorrow. Take some time to reflect on what happened to you. This can be hard to do with your best friend in the background shouting “I knew it! I knew his ass was no good!”
Take 2 minutes out of your day to sit down in silence. Think back to your relationship as if you were a third party observer. Understand what he did wrong, what you did wrong and accept it. Now… don’t go over what you did wrong and use that as an excuse to go back into that toxic relationship! I’ve seen ladies do this way too often. They forgive a man and use that as an excuse to hop right back into his bed.
Acceptance is needed but learn from your past and move on.
Write down a list of your values. These will be the new standards that you have for yourself. This will help you to make sure you don’t fall for the same crap in your next relationship. If you don’t think about these things that you know won’t work for you, identify them and push for better in your next, you’ll fall into the same trap again. We tend to date people with like behaviors because there is a familiarity there that we don’t always consciously pick up on. If you are honest with yourself about what you want (and don’t want), you can check yourself so that you don’t make the same mistakes again.
The last step is to believe in who you are and the standards that you have. You are building a solid foundation because you have accepted what happened to you and you’ve given yourself the armour to defend against any future creeps.
Men lying and their trickery is something that we can’t control. But, we CAN heal ourselves so that when we do find a good guy, we don’t let all of the LOSERS who did us dirty get in the way of true happiness. And, once you’ve invested in who YOU are as a woman, forgiveness happens naturally! You’ve put all your energy into making yourself stronger. You won’t even have to think about what’s-his-name anymore.
Yeah, calling them ‘LOSERS’ is a little childish.
But whatever, some of them still live in their mama’s basement so…
You know I want to hear from you, what are your thoughts on this?
Leave your comments below.
“He never picks his damn clothes off the floor!”
“When are you going to grow up?”
“I ain’t your mama!”
Do you ever get the feeling that even though you signed up to be a girlfriend/fiancée/wife that what you ended up being is a glorified mama to your man? It’s frustrating, it’s annoying and… quite frankly, it’s not what you should have to do when it comes to your life.
Ladies, you have a really hard decision to make if you are aggravated like this every day. You might have a pit of disgust sitting in your stomach right now because you hate every…little…thing that he does. You complain to your girlfriends, your family members or your bedroom wall (you know who you are). You do things that aren’t normal for you, act out when that’s not your character, lash out at people who have nothing to do with your problem. At times, you may not even know who you are anymore.
In some cases, it may mean it’s time to throw in the towel and let that man-child go but in other cases, this is a situation that can easily be solved. So ask yourself this question: Do you want to stay in your relationship?
Do you hear yourself saying things like:
“But, we’ve been together for so long.”
“But, I really love him.”
“But, I’m over 30 and don’t want to start again.”
Enough excuses! If you’re staying with a man for any other reason than the fact that you truly love him (quote #2), then you need to cut your losses and Let. Him. Go.
But if you want to salvage your relationship and go back to being the happier, more pleasant you… it’s time to figure out how to detox!
You can start by following this 3-step detox method which will put your bitching ways behind for good (and I say that in the most kindest way possible!).
3 Ways to detoxify your relationship
1. Get A Gratitude Journal
Complaining takes a lot of energy, and I mean a lot! You have to furrow your eyebrows (don’t test the “black don’t crack” theory), project your voice and have to refold the laundry you put away in anger. And as a woman, you set the mood and tone for everyone else in your home. If you’re agitated, frustrated and upset, everyone else will be agitated too. Protect your sanity!
Get a small journal or notepad and write down the things that you are grateful to your lover. Did he watch “Baggage Claim” with you for the hundredth time because it’s your favorite movie? Acknowledge the good things and you’ll be better for it.
If you’re still with the dude, he can’t be all bad (and if he is… RUN!).
Take out time from your day to focus on the good and cleanse out those bad vibes.
2. Stay Away From People Who May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship
Important to Note: A lot of women become isolated from their friends or family when they meet a man with very controlling behavior.
Now… I’m not talking about getting rid of all your friends and family who are genuinely concerned about your wellbeing. I’m talking about the heifers and haters. Your man’s ex-girlfriends or your ex-boyfriends who keep sniffing around and sabotaging your relationship. Some of your ‘friends’ who are quick to hop on the train and dog your man about his shortcomings every time you get angry. Include family in on this because they do it, too!
Sometimes it’s not good to always have an ‘amen’ person in your corner to agree with everything you say. You need people who sincerely want you to be happy to listen to your vents and give you positive advice on how to solve your problems without making it worse by bashing your man! That will only make you more angry and crazy.
And then let’s talk about baggage… Some of the complaining you’re doing may even come from insecurities about the thots who can’t get over the fact that your man has moved on. Do you compare yourself to his exes or other people vying for attention in his life? If he’s never given you a reason to be insecure, don’t create one!
And as for the people popping noise as soon as they get the chance to bash you and your relationship… they don’t want to see you happy. If they did, they wouldn’t be so quick to harp on the bad. This is not going to help you and your relationship. So detoxify and flush those people out of your life!
3. Talk to Him
This means having a rational conversation when you’re done with your laundry tantrum. While you’re cleaning your dirty clothes, it might be a good time to clean out your issues with him too.
Nagging doesn’t exist. It doesn’t. “Nagging” is just used when men don’t like your tone or your timing.
Don’t talk when you’re frustrated because it won’t come out right. With men, HOW you say what you say is sometimes even more important than WHAT you say. Unless you have a real man-child, he doesn’t want to be talked down to. He’s a leader and he wants respect (as do you) so you’ve got to come correct if you want to be heard.
So have that conversation and make it abundantly clear that you are having some issues in the relationship that you would like to see changed. Then, turn it to him. What things would he like to see you change? He may just surprise you.
You don’t only detoxify your relationship you’re also creating a way to make it stronger.
Check out my blog post, Overcome Relationship Obstacles and Stay Strong Together for an added dose of relationship advice.
You know what to do—leave your comment below.